Denial: The Prequel

(or: “Do Improved Living Standards Make Us More Likely to Engage in Denial?" - This post belongs before the last one.)

So it’s not just me.

It seems people have been worrying and obsessing more. Paula Spencer writes:

Four 11- and 12-year-old girls stood in front of my open pantry, mouths gaping wide. "Look! Fruit Roll-Ups!" "Oh, my God! Chocolate-chip cookies!" "You have regular potato chips? We only get the soy kind!"

After 14 years and four kids, I thought I'd feel comfortable as a mother. Instead, I'm increasingly aware of a prickly new sensation: that I'm some kind of renegade. Who knew that buying potato chips would become a radical act? Or that letting my daughters walk home from school alone would require administration approval? How did I, a middle-of-the-road mom, become a social deviant?

Fear is the new fuel of the American mom. If it's not fear of her child becoming obese, it's the fear of falling behind, missing out on a sports scholarship or winding up with a thin college-rejection envelope……….

Half my kids' friends—who already make A's and B's—had summer tutors in order to "keep it fresh." I thought vacation was for relaxing and recharging. What would our pioneer foremoms think? (You want something to worry about, let me show you frostbite, typhoid and bears!) Heck, what must our own mothers think?

It’s ironic that just as life gets so much safer, we fret more about potential dangers.

Two things have happened:

Science is the new superstition: the anxious energy that used to be channeled into superstition has now found a new home in obscure scientific findings. Even a single study noting the health risks to an everyday behavior will send people scurrying to change their behavior. Potato chips are now the new black cat.

Success has spoiled us: Since we have been able to prevent so many dangers and illnesses, we’ve come to expect science to provide us with immortality. Living in a successful society has left us less capable of coping with difficulties. Reality is that humans are fragile and impermanent. The Bible reminds us:

Do not trust in princes, In mortal man, in whom there is no salvation. His spirit departs, he returns to the earth; In that very day his thoughts perish.

Denial has always been with us. But it’s becoming more common, as progress leads to the delusion that we’re immortal.

And worst of all, while chasing scientific superstitions, we forget to stop and taste the chocolate chip cookies.

denial

An Alternative to Denial

Katharine Moser is a woman who refuses to engage in denial:

The test, the counselor said, had come back positive. Katharine Moser inhaled sharply. She thought she was as ready as anyone could be to face her genetic destiny. She had attended a genetic counseling session and visited a psychiatrist, as required by the clinic. She had undergone the recommended neurological exam. And yet, she realized in that moment, she had never expected to hear those words. “What do I do now?” Ms. Moser asked. “What do you want to do?” the counselor replied. “Cry,” she said quietly.

Her best friend, Colleen Elio, seated next to her, had already begun.

Ms. Moser was 23. It had taken her months to convince the clinic at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University Medical Center in Manhattan that she wanted, at such a young age, to find out whether she carried the gene for Huntington’s disease. Huntington’s, the incurable brain disorder that possessed her grandfather’s body and ravaged his mind for three decades, typically strikes in middle age. But most young adults who know the disease runs in their family have avoided the DNA test that can tell whether they will get it, preferring the torture — and hope — of not knowing.

I was quite taken by Katharine’s choice. Most of us prefer the gentle comfort of denial to the harsh reality of life. Denial helps us get through the day. Just listen to how people speak at Shivas.

My job takes me to a lot of Shivas. (A Shiva is a Jewish tradition, in which the family of the deceased observe a week of mourning after the funeral, and friends come in to visit and comfort the mourners.) Sometimes, a visitor will begin interrogating the mourners: Was she (the deceased) sick? For how long? Did he have a chronic condition? Was she a smoker? Was he overweight?

I used to wonder why people who were coming to comfort a mourner would pursue this extremely uncomfortable line of questioning. Finally, I realized something about these impolite visitors: they were asking these questions to comfort themselves!. These visitors were unnerved by the fact that death was close by, and had taken away a relative or a good friend. These questions are their hamhanded attempt at recovering a sense of security. They are hoping to discover something about the deceased; perhaps he was a smoker, or came from a family with a history of cancer. Perhaps he didn’t eat well, or was under a lot of stress. They imagine that if they find these pieces of information, they can leave the Shiva secure in the belief that it won’t happen to them, because they don’t smoke/don’t drink/eat healthy/take yoga.

But there are no guarantees in life. J.I. Rodale, the founder of the health magazine Prevention, was interviewed on the Dick Cavett Show on June 8, 1971. Rodale, a health fanatic, had bragged a day earlier that he would "live to 100 unless I'm run down by some sugar-crazed taxi driver." Rodale, 73, said in the interview that he was "so healthy that I expect to live on and on." A few moments later, while still on the show, he died of a heart attack. Even health fanatics are subject to reality; yoga and yogurt can’t change the inherent fragility of life.

Denial is a wonderful warm blanket, making you feel secure even when you really aren’t.

Unfortunately, denial is a lie. Like most lies, it falls apart, and eventually, reality bites. How do you cope then?

Somehow, the courageous Ms. Moser has found an alternative to denial, and is fighting her way to happiness. The article explains:

More than anything now, Ms. Moser said, she is filled with a sense of urgency. “I have a lot to do,” she said. “And I don’t have a lot of time.” Over the next months, Ms. Moser took tennis lessons every Sunday morning and went to church in the evening. When a planned vacation with the Elio family fell through at the last minute, she went anyway, packing Disney World, Universal Studios, Wet ’n Wild and Sea World into 36 hours with a high school friend who lives in Orlando. She was honored at a dinner by the New York chapter of the Huntington’s society for her outreach efforts and managed a brief thank-you speech despite her discomfort with public speaking. Having made a New Year’s resolution to learn to ride a unicycle, she bought a used one. “My legs are tired, my arms are tired, and I definitely need protection,” she reported to Ms. Elio. On Super Bowl Sunday, she waded into the freezing Atlantic Ocean for a Polar Bear swim to raise money for the Make-a-Wish Foundation. Ms. Elio complained that she hardly got to see her friend. But one recent weekend, they packed up the Elio children and drove to the house the Elios were renovating in eastern Pennsylvania. The kitchen floor needed grouting, and, rejecting the home improvement gospel that calls for a special tool designed for the purpose, Ms. Moser and Ms. Elio had decided to use pastry bags. As they turned into the driveway, Ms. Moser studied the semi-attached house next door. Maybe she would move in one day, as the Elios had proposed. Then, when she could no longer care for herself, they could put in a door. First, though, she wanted to travel. She had heard of a job that would place her in different occupational therapy positions across the country every few months and was planning to apply. “I’m thinking Hawaii first,” she said. Then they donned gloves, mixed grout in a large bucket of water and began the job.

Katharine has refused the false comfort of denial, and is battling for meaning and happiness in her life. She is an inspiration to anyone who has an uncertain future (i.e., to everyone).

God bless her.

denial

Katharine Moser

mourning

happiness

Yes, I Have a Problem with Capitalism (But So Did Adam Smith)

First of all, I have to begin this post by thanking people who comment on my blog. In particular, I really enjoy people who debate and question me. They force me to think and rethink my position. As the Talmud notes, you learn the most from those who question you.

Recently, I commented about a company that was offering coffins and burial urns with major league logos on them. I said this (among other things):

I always thought funerals were about how the deceased made his mark on the world. Now, thanks to Eternal Image, funerals can be about how you spread someone else’s trademark to the world. I’m sorry, but a legacy should be bigger than a baseball cap.

A friend was kind enough to take out the time to comment, and argue with my view.

He wrote:

“…….My point is, the trend of personalizing funeral services has been going on for years and this is something innovative. It's what the people want. If a company can make a buck off of it, why not? They aren't forcing people to buy their product.30 years ago, people would have thought it was bizarre for people to arrange or plan their own funeral. Now, that number of preneed funerals are up to more than 25 percent.It's all about choice. The marketplace will decide whether this company sticks around. But they are coming up with some interesting ideas.”

Now let me rephrase the point: The market is the best way to improve society, living standards and individual happiness. So why make fun of an innovative company as it makes its way to the market?

This challenge is directed at me:

Do you have a problem with capitalism?

Yes, I do have a problem with capitalism. And so did Adam Smith.

Adam Smith, the 18th century Scottish philosopher, is considered to be the founding father of capitalism. In his book The Wealth of Nations, he notes that society is most productive when structured around the self interest of every individual. Smith says that:

"It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we can expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own interest."

So free enterprise is the best way to structure society. Let the market decide what’s good or bad, and whether Yankee logos belong on coffins.

But at the same time, Smith wrote another book, The Theory of Moral Sentiments. In it, he sees society as based on mutual love and sympathy:

It is thus that man, who can subsist only in society, was fitted by nature to that situation for which he was made. All the members of human society stand in need of each others assistance, and are likewise exposed to mutual injuries. Where the necessary assistance is reciprocally afforded from love, from gratitude, from friendship, and esteem, the society flourishes and is happy.

So in one book, Smith says society is best structured around self interest. In another he says it is best structured around love and gratitude. So which is it?

This question, known as the “Adam Smith Problem”, is one that has baffled scholars. Clearly, Smith may have embraced laissez faire capitalism, but he also realized a society structured around pure self interest would lose its soul. Or, to apply it (rather crudely) to my case, capitalism might produce a New York Yankee coffin, but capitalism should not have the final word. Our spiritual values should make the ultimate decisions.

Every person must grapple with balancing the values of productive self interest and spiritual altruism. Rav Soloveitchik notes that every person has two deep existential needs: to conquer the world and to redeem our souls. We conquer the world by building and inventing. We redeem our souls by creating community and pursuing spirituality. Life is lived at the intersection of these two impulses.

Humans have an existential need for both productivity and spirituality. Spirituality without productivity is a humiliating vow of poverty, a way of life beneath the dignity of a being created in the image of God. But capitalism without spirituality is a soulless dignity, endless progress without genuine purpose.

That’s my problem with capitalism.

capitalism

soloveitchik

"adam smith"

If You’re Going to Put Something on Your Coffin……

Earlier this month, Eternal Image, a company based in Farmington Hills, Michigan, made the following claim:

"Not much has changed in the funeral industry in centuries - some might even say in thousands of years…….Until now."

What is this amazing product being offered by Eternal Image? New York Newsday reports:

As of next month Eternal Image is putting on sale (through funeral homes) urns festooned with, yes, Major League Baseball logos.For a mere $699, fans of the Yankees (and seven other teams) can have their remains put in an urn with the team's logo on the front, a base shaped like home plate and room for a souvenir baseball on top.

For people who will not choose cremation, just hang in there. The company promises that:

Coffins with team logos are due in September.

Now, I’ve been an avid sports fan my whole life. As a child, I was a fanatical New York Mets fan. I would sit in my bed late at night listening to the end of the baseball game; I wore Mets T-shirts and Mets caps.

Even today, I still read the sports section every day, and I still shout during football games. So I get the sports mindset.

But a baseball logo on your coffin? This really gives a new definition to the term “diehard fan”.

But I guess these coffins are a revolution of sorts. I always thought funerals were about how the deceased made his mark on the world. Now, thanks to Eternal Image, funerals can be about how you spread someone else’s trademark to the world. I’m sorry, but a legacy should be bigger than a baseball cap.

I know I’m being harsh with the people at Eternal Image (no lawsuits, please!!). But I feel this way because of a funeral I officiated at.

Paul, a member of my synagogue passed away a few months ago. A survivor of 8 concentration camps, Paul lost a dear older brother and several other members of his family during the war. Despite enormous danger, he joined a prayer group (minyan) in one of the concentration camps. After the war, he built a family and career, and never wavered from his beliefs. In one instance, he refused to cave into racism, and insisted on renting an apartment to a black family. He lived the rest of his life like a true survivor, a man who maintained his values, his dignity, and his tradition despite enduring profound loss and suffering.

Paul had held onto, as a cherished possession, the concentration camp uniform he was liberated in.

On the day of his funeral, on top of the casket, was the threadbare striped shirt and pants, the ragged uniform of a concentration camp inmate.

However, at Paul's funeral, the striped shirt and pants represented something more: the dignity of a determined and courageous survivor.

After this funeral, putting a baseball logo on a coffin seems ridiculous to me. If you’re going to put something on your coffin, put on something that actually matters.

legacy

funeral

holocaust

Hi everybody! Here’s a post of yesterday’s sermon. Feel free to comment below.

Repetition is Important. Repetition is Important. Repetition is Important.

New things are exciting, and old stuff is boring. This is true of cars, clothes, and even concepts. No one likes to hear the same idea over and over again, and teachers and preachers who continually repeat themselves are boring.

But repetition is important. The Haggadah tells us that we must repeat the message of the Seder year after year, and “even if all of us were wise, all of us understanding, all of us knowing the Torah, we would still be obligated to discuss the Exodus from Egypt”. We might know the story already, but we have to do the Seder all over again, year after year.

But repetition is not about knowledge. Repetition is about keeping focused.Even idealistic people can forget their ideals. The stress and pressure of everyday life can make us lose focus on the big picture and obsess about the petty concerns of quotidian life. Even the wise, the understanding, and the idealistic can lose their way.

I’ve always found it fascinating how companies spend enormous amounts of money drafting mission statements, and then promptly file them away and forget about them. Mission statements are about making sure corporations keep focused on their fundamental values. If a mission statement is going to mean anything, it needs to be referred to on a daily basis. Without repetition and reinforcement, a mission statement is just an expensive book report.

The Seder is the mission statement of the Jewish people. It teaches profound lessons about hope, redemption, compassion and determination. We’d know the values of these concepts without the Seder. But we still need a Seder, because the Seder inspires us to live these values in our day to day lives.

To live by our ideals, we need to make sure we never lose our focus. That is why repetition is important. Repetition is important. Repetition is important.

mission statement

haggadah

focus

repetition

We’ve Forgotten What Real Heroes Look Like

Real heroes aren’t always photogenic.

Yesterday, Poland honored Irena Sendler for her efforts in saving 2,500 Jewish children during World War II. Sendler, a young mother, was a social worker in Warsaw, and a member of Zegota, a Polish underground devoted to saving Jews. She risked her life to smuggle 2,500 children out of the Warsaw ghetto and hide them in orphanages and convents.

Reading the news items about Sendler, it’s hard not to notice how different she is from today’s erstwhile heroes. Our contemporary heroes are celebrities, people who look good on baseball diamonds, on movie screens and on the red carpet at the Oscars. The “entertainment media” (I’m not making this phrase up!) breathlessly follows their every move. These celluloid heroes have our undivided attention, and are famous for being famous.

In actuality, a real hero doesn’t look good; they do good. And after they’ve done good, they don’t revel in self congratulation, but rather think about what more they could have done. Irena has said: "I could have done more…..this regret will follow me to my death.".

Irena is a genuine hero. And like all good heroes she knows that heroism is not a hobby; it is meant to be the vocation of mankind. Or, to put it in Irena’s words:

"Every child saved with my help and the help of all the wonderful secret messengers, who today are no longer living, is the justification of my existence on this Earth, and not a title to glory."

I wish the justification for my existence on earth was as good as Irena’s.

heroes

irena sendler

holocaust

inspiration

Is There Life After Tragedy?

There is an amazing article by Sherri Mandell posted here, entitled "The Jeep". Sherri's 13 year old son Koby was killed in a horrible terror attack six years ago, and she has written movingly about grief, mourning and the meaning of life.

Sherri's insights resonate for me. My father died in a car accident at age 42. The greatest challenge one has after tragedy is to recover a life that is honest, meaningful and happy.

As the title of this website proclaims, this space is dedicated to the Happiness Warrior. Sherri's remarkable piece is a classic example of the Happiness Warrior philosophy. It tells the reality of pain, which can never be hid behind a wall of denial:

......I realize that a jeep ride is a metaphor for what it feels like to have a family member killed by terrorists. It is like being continuously jolted when before you used to have a smooth ride. Nothing can be taken for granted. You can't just sit in the car of life and drive through with the air conditioner on, oblivious to the rush of air and the friction and heat of the tires as they speed down the highway.

At the same time, Sherri refuses to retreat into cynicism. She concludes her article by saying:

At the end of the jeep trip we pull over and some of the boys get out to say the special prayer for the month of Nissan, said upon seeing the first blossoms of the fruit trees. After the deep freeze of winter, when it seems that all life and growth is dormant and that everything has died, we say a prayer at seeing the first signs of spring:

"Blessed are you God, King of the universe, for nothing is lacking in the world that you created -- good creatures and good trees, in which people can take pleasure."

As the trees need to absorb the water and nutrients from the ground in order to grow, we too have the possibility of absorbing our pain so that it will one day blossom into something we haven't yet imagined. What seems so dormant -- our love, our hope, our capacity for living -- can one day be renewed.

Sherri lives a life of honesty and courage.

That is the only way to live one's life after tragedy.

mourning

inspiration

"sherri mandell"

"koby mandell"